‘My daughter took her personal life aged 16 – however now I assist others address grief’

A mom has revaled that her daughter’s sudden dying practically drove her to finish her personal life earlier than she selected to dedicate herself to serving to others.

Jenetta Barry recalled candidly how, after realising her teenage daughter had taken her personal life, the ideas operating by means of her thoughts had been combined with the insufferable hope she might nonetheless discover assist to carry her again in addition to aid. 

Recalling the day she misplaced her daughter Jenny, aged solely 16, Ms Barry advised Express.co.uk: “I was just sitting outside, absolutely dazed on the lawn. And during all that time of finding her, trying to get help to see if we could bring her back to life, another part of me was going, ‘Oh, thank goodness. Thank goodness, she’s gone’.

“Because I used to be all the time so involved, she would find yourself severely injuring herself and having a dreadful life. And I knew there was simply that aid, and that she was now not my duty. Those had been solely two of the most likely 100,000 numerous ideas that had been occurring inside me of aid, and desperately eager to get my daughter again to life once more.”

Now, 18 years later, Ms Barry has become a counsellor and mental health activist, who wants other people who are experiencing loss to know that the death of a loved one can come with relief – and they shouldn’t feel guilty about it.

She explained: “It’s such a wierd feeling however it’s there, and that is the place lots of people who’re grieving do not realise that someplace within the lack of that beloved one provides them aid, and it might be unconscious, however that aid could make them really feel responsible.”

Born in Kenya to British parents, Ms Barry, now 65, has crafted a set of skills and techniques, which she calls the Epiphany Process, to help herself and others fight depression and other mental health issues as well as living through grief.

But to live the life “crammed with grace” she is experiencing now, Ms Barry had to come to terms with Jenny’s life-long struggles and death.

From the day she was born, Ms Barry said Jenny was her “squirmy child”. Looking happy and settled to all those who knew her superficially, the girl privately struggled for years with her mental health, starting to feel suicidal when she was only seven.

When, aged 14, Jenny revealed how she was truly feeling, her family initially had her admitted to a rehab centre in South Africa, where they were living at the time, to provide her with the help she needed.

But the institute was far from helpful as, Ms Barry said, badly handled her daughter’s situation and discharged the teenager on the grounds of her not being cooperative. On that same night, Jenny unsuccessfully tried to take her own life. 

Ms Barry acknowledged her daughter “challenged everybody”, her therapists as well as her own mum – but added Jenny had made her a “higher mom” by doing so.

For the following two years, Jenny’s mother, father and siblings “treaded on eggshells”, concerned the teenager would attempt  to take her own life again.

However, Ms Barry recalled how her daughter would break housekeeping rules in place to keep her safe, something which eventually led the concerned mother to write her a letter highlighting “non-negotiable” rules.

Ms Barry gave the “little scroll” to her daughter on October 10, 2005 – the day on which the teen would eventually take her life. 

The letter, which the mother still believes was “mandatory”, told Jenny “she could not do all of the issues she was doing” as it was incredibly disruptive and unsafe for her and for the family at large.

Recalling the “huge argument” that sparked from the letter, she continued: “She mentioned she wasn’t going to adapt, and he or she’d relatively pack and go away house, and he or she stormed out in an absolute rage. Her final phrases to me had been fairly one thing. And after about quarter-hour, I knew one thing wasn’t proper and I went to search for her in her room.”

Not finding Jenny there, Ms Barry rushed to the bathroom, where she found the body of her daughter.

In the weeks that followed, Ms Barry recalled the world “falling down” around her, as her marriage ended and her other daughter chose to go live with her father.

While working for many others, conventional therapy, she recalled, “failed miserably” to help her deal with the loss, and Ms Barry understood the sense of anguish and helplessness Jenny had also felt at times in her life.

Stunned by grief, Ms Barry confessed she planned three times to take her own life and described her state of mind at the time as an “emotional black gap”.

Change happened nine months after Jenny’s death, with Ms Barry recalling: “I used to be strolling alongside the road and I knew I wanted to cross the highway, so I stepped off the curb and simply moved mindlessly by means of the site visitors probably not caring if I received hit or not – not intentionally eager to be [hit] but in addition not caring if I did.

“I got halfway across that road and something inside me just shifted, as I said to myself, ‘Jenetta, you’ve forgotten you’ve got choices. You don’t have to be one label, which is the mother of the 16-year-old that died from suicide’.

“And I carried on transferring throughout the opposite aspect of the highway and stepped onto the pavement and I realised as I stepped off the highway that I had had what I now name my ‘crossing over second’.”

Ms Barry said she understood to still have the choice to embark on the “very exhausting, lengthy journey” to get better and learn how to live with her grief. Through research and study, Ms Barry eventually crafted her own process, which helps people looking at what they consider their more negative connotations in a different light. 

Despite having moved on with her life, loss and grief, she said, are “all the time there” and come in cycles, at times triggered by a smell, a song or a topic which remind her of Jenny. But she has learned how to deal with this pain and accept it as part of her life. 

Processing her loss also helped Ms Barry decide to turn the death of her daughter into a chance to de-stigmatise conversations around suicide and depression.

She has since helped create a dance show, performed both in Kenya and Europe, focused on suicide, depression and solutions to mental health issues – and has witnessed people feeling understood or understand themselves better after watching the performance. 

After realising the anniversary of her daughter’s death fell on World Mental Health Day, Ms Barry also decided to launch in 2020 World Jenny’s Day, an initiative aiming to de-stigmatise conversations around suicide through the use of performing arts. On the day, performers from a wide range of arts coming from all over the world take turns in a 24-hour live-streamed event to inspire others and raise funds for the organisation and its various activities. 

Other fundraising events coordinated by this global initiative take place around the year, including a Safari Cycle Ride through Kenyan Game Park from Mount Kilimanjaro to Coast planned for August. 

Ms Barry also hopes part of the profits raised through her organisation’s initiative will be devolved into the creation of a Benevolent Fund for performing artists. Moreover, she is also planning a new, five-hour-long event to take place online on September 25, Jenny’s birthday, to further help raise awareness of teen suicide and the importance to speak about mental health.

The Samaritans can be reached round the clock, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

If you need a response immediately, it’s best to call them on the phone. You can reach them by calling 116 123, by emailing jo@samaritans.org or by visiting www.samaritans.org.